I
pseudo-farewell

在此之前，我好像已經想像過無數次我要離開的模樣，但當真真正正要踏進離港大廳時，感覺也只有空疏，以及一堆難以用文字承載的感受。

也許我該坦白，因為我從來未有想像過，我30歲中旬的生活會仍然在港，所以雖然這個離開比想像中來得要快，但一步步走到終要離開時，卻竟然有一種詭異的快感，當然這並不包括要和每一個生命中的人暫時道別的痛苦。

我竟誤以為只要調低自己對所有情感的敏銳度，然後再假裝樂觀多一點點，就可以較為輕鬆一點說「再見」及「英國見！」。過度的壓抑的情緒以及比日常頻繁太多的社交，終究還是讓我難以負荷。 我以為我可以熬到離港後才崩瀉大喊「我唔得啦！」，卻在離港前一個禮拜就崩盤。

但崩盤過後，我覺得已經把一部份急需要棄置的自己吐出，而另外一些部份的我又可以重新累積重新開始，從這個角度來看，好像也不錯。

而現在，終於真正要開始了。

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II
other loose reflections

after the final decision made, i start organising and packing up my stuff. i would say i have underestimated the amount of bit and bytes that compose my mundane life. i think i have been going through some of the most stressful moment and making some really tough decisions of my life so far.

i am consistently reviewing priorities, considering what are my necessities and what are the things that i could spare myself from, and projecting a future with unnecessary amount of details that i clearly know it would not resemble with the reality much, at least not until the real thing hits on me.

i am not entirely sure if i could convince you that i am ready for this, but i have to make myself believe that i am anyways. i cant do it otherwise.

the “leaving” process opens my eyes to some of the everyday occurrence which constantly surprise me

somehow i figured that although it doesn’t intend to be, it will still be THE farewell to some of you. this is the exact reason why i tried to do it properly. and i truly hoped i did it well.

yeah, “this is never the end of anything if you do not want it to be; an ending could be the start of anything”, a lesson i taught myself throughout my 2010s.